Today I had a doctor's appointment. Just a regular yearly checkup, nothing to worry about and for once, maybe twice, I wasn't worrying.
The Artist.
Today I had a doctor's appointment. Just a regular yearly checkup, nothing to worry about and for once, maybe twice, I wasn't worrying.
For the last 10 months of my life, I have been in therapy. I have been focused on improving my mental health, facing past trauma, learning to accept and love myself. Learning about myself in general. It's been a trip and it's nowhere near over.
I was so proud of myself today when I was in the little visit room waiting to be seen and feeling no anxiety. I took the time to recognize how I was feeling and praise myself for my growth.
The Critic.
So of course, I was referred to a specialist.
I got the company line of "It's probably nothing to worry about." but that really means nothing to me. I'm nervous about what comes next and a little scared, but my current upset is that immediate thought that I should go back to constantly worrying and expecting the worst because then I won't have to deal with moments like this.
As though if I had been an anxious mess like I always used to be whenever I'd drag myself to a doctor, dentist, etc. then this wouldn't have happened. My immediate reaction was to be ashamed of myself for letting my guard down. Obviously, I know that is an illogical response. Worrying about everything all the time is just wasted energy and does nothing to affect the outcome of something that is out of your hands.
If you are anything like me, you know that when you are in a state of anxiety telling yourself something is illogical has 0 effect. I felt exhausted, emotionally drained. I have been feeling tired and like I'm right on the line of depression since September hit anyway so I decided I was going to go back home, crawl into bed and sleep Friday away.
After I had my labs drawn and I was walking to my car I saw the small private lake across the roundabout that I'm sure I knew was there but never paid attention to. I thought I wanted to go sit, then I thought that was silly and I needed to go home, then I thought there was no reason I had to go home. During this pseudo-argument with myself I walked in a very not straight line towards my car until...
The Artist.
I was walking the opposite direction towards the lake.
I crossed the roundabout, ignored the Private Lake for residents only sign, went down the concrete steps and sat by the lake. It was a beautiful day, completely blue in the sky. There were so many water birds. Little black ducks with white beaks diving under the water, geese, mallard ducks, chirps and bird songs from the trees and a crane flew over at one point. It was beautiful, warm, and peaceful. I had a little cry while I was sitting there, just a few tears.
After the Lake I went to the bookstore and bought four new to me books, got some Thai Basil Fried Rice and Thai Tea and sat outside reading one of my new books while I ate. When I got home, I read for a bit in the backyard with my dogs and a couple visits from one of my cats then fell asleep in my chair on and off for two and a half hours, I got up and scooted my chair back whenever I was woken up by the full sun on my face.
The Message.
I'm sharing this because I want, maybe need, to explain what it's like to have depression and anxiety. What it's like to be always on the edge of letting it run your life. And more importantly to tell other people that have days like today that they are not alone.
Today I had a very nice, relaxing day and I made a point to take care of and be compassionate with myself. But it was not easy, and as grateful as I am to myself for how I spend my day, I am still sad, I am still exhausted. It is not a physical exhaustion, or mental exhaustion, it's deeper and not easy to explain to anyone that hasn't experienced it. I had to fight for my happiness and against my instincts to withdraw every second of my day today.
I had to ground myself, feel the concrete with my fingertips, squeeze a fallen tree branch, spin my ring on my finger, pull books off the shelves and feel the pages, swish my tea around in my mouth, close my eyes and force myself to notice the heat of the sun on my face. Just to bring myself into the present, be here and now. Having to fight to feel is unfair and it's easy to give up, let yourself isolate, detach, disassociate.
To anyone reading this that has felt this way, if it was one time or it's every day.
You are safe.
You are strong.
You are capable.
You are a beautiful warrior, and your feelings are more precious for your struggle to hold on to them. Don't let them go.
The Quote.
In the words of Finnick Odair, "It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart."
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